At 2am this morning, I began to read one of my devotionals which really struck me... Here's an excerpt:
"When you determine to take a stand in faith and refuse
to give in or give up when the fires of life are blazing,
you’ll make your enemy very, very angry indeed. Things
may heat up for you before you see the hand of God move
on your behalf. But never assess the power or goodness of
your God by the heat of your fire.
The time that passes between the utterance of your prayer
and when His answer is delivered is called “the testing of
your faith.” Most people tend to give up when they pray
and then nothing happens. Most people become negative,
fearful, or bitter when the temperature of their fire is
multiplied by seven. However, it is vital that you remember
that the goodness and power of your God is unaffected by
the temperature of the fire. "
This is all so very true... And the enemy is becoming very angry with our family right now. Things have been "heating up" more and more and I am becoming so very weary. Between the exhaustion from being unable to sleep from the steroids, and now all sorts of new crazy symptoms, it's getting hard to not give up.
I came down with thrush this week. Fuzzy feeling with white spots in my mouth, bleeding lesions, and then pain feeling like my tongue was being peeled off in strips. Thankfully medicine and natural remedies have helped this tremendously over the past few days and I'm on the mend...
The day after the thrush occurred, I began a new symptom that pretty much showed up out of nowhere as I began walking up some stairs to pick up my kids at our Friday morning Bible study. My knee locked up and it became so hard to walk and bend. I figured I had just moved it weird and continued on. It unfortunately didn't get any better and when we got home, I looked closer at my legs and found my knees were swollen and looked strange. As the day went on, the pain got worse and I had to literally limp out from radiation because my left knee would not bend without tons of pain. Unfortunately this pain has only gotten worse over the last day and I've found I have literal fluid pockets all round my knees. Apparently this can be a side effect from the steroids. It can also affect my thigh and calf muscles which is why my legs are in so much pain. The steroids are also causing swelling everywhere else and in my face as well. These steroids are just horrible! And unfortunately I have no other option as they are completely necessary to keep intracranial swelling down. So unfortunately this is just more stuff to endure over the next several weeks of radiation and being on steroids....
While I know it could be SO much worse, it was just one of those moments where that final straw kind of broke the camel's back. This whole season isn't easy and these symptoms that keep getting added on make it so much harder. Our fire is being multiplied and I'm trying really hard to not become negative, fearful or bitter as it happens. I'm feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and weary and so I guess this is my call out to please, please, PLEASE pray for our family. Please pray for us as we endure this fire. Please pray that we are able to continue to endure and fight and not give up. Please pray that we are able to continue to find and see joy. That we are able to continue seeing God's goodness and promises and power. Please pray for my kids as Satan attacks them each in various ways, trying hard to bring them down. Please just pray for endurance.
"Let us not become weary in doing good,
for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
"Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take
your stand against the devil’s schemes."
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we
know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance
develops strength of character, and character strengthens our
confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to
disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us,
because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."
(Also, side note. From here on out, my radiation time is at 2:45 instead of 4:00. I know many have chosen the 4:00 time to pray, and so I wanted to share this change)
I have no doubt that some of these attacks are occuring, because this morning, Ilana and Michael both take a full stand in their faith and fully give their lives to Christ in baptism at church! Because of this, I choose joy! Despite the pain. Despite the weariness. Despite the exhaustion. I am choosing joy in that these hot fires of life are NOT stopping my family from fully following our Lord. And I have no doubt it's from being covered so heavily in prayer.... So again, friends, family, and followers, thank you for all you do for us... To some of you, you may seem like a prayer is nothing. But for us. It's holding us up. Especially now where I seem to be hanging on by a mere thread... So thank you for blessing us with your prayer and your time.... Thank you for being constant encouragement to us....