Wednesday, July 13, 2016

How to go on...

Sometimes life gets so hard that it feels like you can't go on. 

You feel like you've reached rock bottom and nothing else could make life any harder. 

And then you're struck with something new and you wonder "Oh, Lord... I can't do this anymore."
What do you do? How do you go on? How do you not give up on God?

The last 4 years have been the hardest years of my entire life. Going through life with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) with our 3 year old adopted child. Having to come to the conclusion that this this beautiful boy that we thought would forever be ours... Wouldn't.  Realizing that God had other plans and we were only to be his Moses... It was one of the most heart wrenching decisions of our lives. The night we handed him over to his precious new family, I felt like we could never get any lower in life than that. In the midst of living through the RAD that year, our 5 year old son lost vision in his left eye, due to a detached retina. We went through 3 major surgeries in 6 months, trying to restore his vision. 

I never imagined that 9 months later we'd be hit with our daughter having cancer and living through another surgery, radiation and isolation, and all the ups and downs of meds, diets, pain, and exhaustion. This was a new low for us. And we clung to Jesus and thought there was nothing that could be any worse and that we'd definitely hit the bottom and things could only go up from there. 

Until a week ago. When we received the news that the pathology report from my surgery two weeks ago showed that I, too, have the very same cancer as my daughter. And in that same day, what was to be a normal check up for my son's eye, ended in the doctor saying he needed another procedure to remove some growth on his cornea. I plastered on a smile for my son's sake (who struggles with PTSD due to his previous surgeries and trauma that happened at home 2 years ago), shook the doctors hand and scheduled the surgery. We walked out hand in hand and I drove the two hours home questioning everything, wondering how much more our family can take.

I was reminded of Isaiah 40:27-31 -

"Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying, “ GOD has lost track of me. He doesn’t care what happens to me”? Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening? GOD doesn’t come and go. God lasts. He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon GOD get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.”

While I'm struggling a lot and many days feel so weary, it was a good reminder for me...


What do you do when you feel like the entire world is against you? When you feel like you just can't deal with anything more? How do you go on? How do you not give up on God?

I'm still working on figuring this out. In the meantime, I'm pressing on.  I'm reading His Word and will continue to praise Him even when it makes no sense to me. I'm holding onto God's promise that He won't forget me and won't forsake me. I'm trusting that He is carrying me when I struggle to take the next step.  I hope and I pray that even though my life seems so dark right now, that eventually we will see the light. And I pray that God will somehow use my brokenness for His glory and will use this long hard journey for something good.

I know that we have hundreds of prayer warriors who cover our family each day. When I tell you that I appreciate your prayers, I don't think you realize just how appreciative we are. I don't think you understand that your prayers are what helps me get out of bed each morning. Your prayers are what helps our family function. Your prayers are what helps our family go on when we feel like we can't. Please keep praying for us as we travel this long hard journey. Pray for endurance when we feel stuck. Thank you for holding us up...