Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Miracles...

Miracles.... Miracles can happen every day if you truly look for them... Often times, miracles can be right in front of you without you truly taking the time to notice... I'm so thankful for God's grace that despite my frequent doubt in His faithfulness, my questions on His plans, my constant worries on "what ifs"... Despite all of that, God loves me enough to STILL provide and show these miracles to me...

You see, I've been blessed with little miracles all throughout the past several years. Some big, some small, but either way - miracles...

4 months ago, God gave us a tiny little miracle.... There's honestly no other way to explain it other than a miracle... After 4 years of not being able to get pregnant, despite ALL sorts of odds (seriously folks, it seemed outright impossible!), we miraculously became pregnant. This was just 6 months after bringing home our two boys from Ethiopia. Was I shocked? Yes... Did I cry? Yep! Honestly, because it wasn't "MY plan"... We were going through lots of changes, and it honestly just wasn't a "good time"... Funny... Funny how God works! How God's timing frequently is NOT what we expected or planned.... But funny how perfect HIS timing actually is...

Fast forward a few weeks, and we find out we have a "small" problem called subchorionic hemorrhaging - supposedly not a big problem, but mine seemed to be doubling in size in just a matter of days, when one Sunday, Michael and I made a scary trip to the ER, afraid we lost our precious little gift at just 8-ish weeks. It seemed impossible that with so much blood (sorry, a bit TMI to some of you, I'm sure) that he/she would even be there. I begged and pleaded in my head with God that He could somehow save it, but thought deep down it was just too late. Yet, when we got in and they rushed us back for an ultrasound and we saw a moving little blob of a human on the screen, with a heartbeat, arms, and legs, I began to cry happy tears... I was put on a bedrest with minimal movement and no lifting... I couldn't help but laugh outloud when the doctor told us that. Bedrest with 4 little ones at home? Ha! We tried our best and the kids really stepped up on chores and being as independent as possible...

Then a few weeks after that ordeal, we found out some of my bloodwork came back abnormal. Some thyroid levels were way too high. A visit to the endocrinologist was needed quickly... A week later, I saw him and got more information and potential bad news. He warned me that more than likely my thryoid levels have been messed up for awhile, and probably before I even got pregnant (along with that, with my levels so high, he was surprised I got pregnant to begin with, as one of the symptoms to hypothyroidism is infertility... God can overcome anything, though, huh?). Usually hypothyroidism isn't a "huge" problem and can usually be easily corrected with thyroid hormone replacements... BUT - when you're pregnant, for the first 10 weeks, the baby relies on momma's thyroid and thyroid hormones to help it to grow and help brain development in the crucial development period of the first trimester. I, probably, didn't have enough for the baby and had a high chance of the baby having neurological/brain development issues. He discussed termination, but assured me that just because of the "what ifs", there were still chances that baby could be fine, but that he just couldn't guarantee anything because of how high my levels were...

Now, I'm pro-life through and through. The thought of termination to me was appalling, and I don't mean any offense to anyone who is pro-choice... That said, hearing the words "termination" and "your baby" come out of a doctor's mouth in one sentence just about set me off into Momma Bear Mode... The thought of even taking the life of my baby, my precious little miracle just about brought me to tears... I could never do it! I don't care what the risks were, what the probabilities were, what percentages there were, what chances there were... I was not terminating my baby and I was going to hold tight to the hope that God gave us this baby for a reason. He miraculously gave us a baby, he kept the baby alive this long... If my baby was going to be born with neurological issues or something wrong with his/her brain, we'd just deal with it, because that's what God decided was to be the next chapter of our story.

We'd eventually find out how the brain developed just a couple weeks later via ultrasound, but for now, I was just praying for miracles and praying for wisdom, patience, acceptance, and praying most of all against guilt... Guilt because after all it was MY body that was the issue.. Funny how Satan really finds you in a low time and kicks you down even further with his lies. Lies of saying "If there's anything wrong - it's your fault", "You weren't faithful enough to God", "You didn't pray enough", "You didn't thank Him enough" "It's you. It's all you..." "You're an awful mom...", "You don't even deserve this baby".... It was a rough few days immediately following, but as I prayed more and leaned on Michael -  Oh, Michael... There's another miracle... The miracle of being able to marry him. I honestly don't know how I was so blessed to marry that man... He has held me through so many valleys, always pulling me up with God's help. He's always there, reassuring me that everything would be okay, no matter what happened. Texting me Bible verses. Calling me randomly while he's at work just to see how I was doing. Coming home and knowing that what I needed most was just to be held and prayed over... When I didn't feel like praying, he would kneel down beside me and pray anyway...  Eventually, I began to feel better about it all and began to trust in God's plan more and more... Despite that, I couldn't help but still be worried as the ultrasound time drew closer and I began to frequently sing Bethany Dillon's "Hallelujah" in my head...

"But it's when you hold me
 That I start unfolding 
And all I can say is 
Hallelujah, hallelujah 
Whatever's in front of me 
Help me to sing hallelujah 
Hallelujah, hallelujah 
Whatever's in front of me 
I'll choose to sing hallelujah"

Finally... Ultrasound day came... I was so nervous I could barely eat and literally shook from head to toe on the hour drive to my appointment to the perinatologist... As we went into the dark room for the ultrasound, they were going through my report asking about all my issues so they knew what all to look for... He started with the brain and was silent for the 10-15 minutes as he scanned it (I swear I was holding my breath the whole time - or it felt like it!)...  He finally spoke up and said "Honestly? The brain looks great... I don't see any cause for concerns!" The second I heard that, I was finally able to breathe well and enjoy the rest of the ultrasound, because even if there were other issues, I could accept those... The heart looked great, there were two kidneys (which was good, because our daughter was born with just one and had kidney issues), and lastly, we found out that Ilana's prayers from the beginning of the pregnancy had been answered... Baby #5 was a girl....





As I sit here and type out this message, I feel this tiny little miracle fluttering and kicking inside of me.... This is a feeling I thought I'd NEVER get to feel again 4 years ago, when we accepted the fact that the doctor said we probably wouldn't be able to have more... This is a feeling I'll never take for granted again, and I try hard to cherish it every time I can... It's truly amazing that God not only gave us a miracle baby, but that He also helped her through all these trials in the beginning, and on top of that, took the time to answer the prayer of a 6 year old little girl who faithfully prayed daily for the baby to be a girl.... Now that we've made it this far, we do face preterm labor and a possibility of cleft palate, but those are two things we've dealt with before and something I'd be more than willing to deal with again if needed... Either way, Michael and I are praising God for our miracle growing inside of me...

Since this post is about miracles, what better time than to tell baby #5's name... We have always chosen our kids' names based off their meaning, and the middle name is always a Biblical/Hebrew name... Baby #5 is a miracle that we are choosing to name Mireya Esther... Mireya (we're pronouncing mih-ray-uh) means miracle and Esther means Star... What better fitting name?  She's truly our Miracle Star...  :) We are blessed....